I’m unsure as to how it happened but I’ve managed to throw my back out.  For the past couple of weeks it’s been increasingly sore.  Yesterday it felt worse than usual and after laying down for a little while my back completely locked up and won’t unlock no matter what I do.  It’s still bothering the hell out of me today, but that’s more mental than pain.  Yes, I’m in a hell of a lot of pain but I also have a lot of things to accomplish that I don’t see myself getting around to anytime soon.

I have to clean the bedroom, it’s been a week since it was last dusted and when you’ve got black furniture - dust is very noticeable.  I need to do my laundry but that can wait until tomorrow, Sunday is typically Karen’s laundry day.  The kitchen is a wreck, I’d like to do something about that but even standing takes a lot out of me right now.  I’ve got myself propped up in the living room at the moment, I can’t stay in bed - it’s too soft and offering no kind of support right now.

I’m itching to get into the office but with absolutely no chance of lumbar support with my office chair - there’s no way in hell I could sit there long enough to accomplish what I need to do.

This really sucks.

I’m still going pretty strong with my diet. It’s hard to stick to something so structured when everything else in your life is in complete chaos, but when it comes down to it - the diet is the only stability I have at the moment.

I did slack off for a week, but I’m working just as hard on it now as I ever have in the past. I’ve been watching this show “You are what you eat!” it’s on BBC and I’ve found it to be very interesting. After searching around the Internet I was unable to find the detox diet that Gillian (the dietitian) puts these people on. I will wind up getting her book in the future, I know that much. But in 8 months using her plan you can lose up to 3 stone (42-pounds) and that 42 will put me on the path I’d like to go on, as well as give me the detox I need. I think that’s why my diet has been so slow, I never detoxed, I just cut back. I enjoy a diet of fruits and vegetables and I think her plan would give me exactly the right amount of things that I need to get it done the right way.

I got my license taken care of this past Monday so I can now legally drive in Delaware. My big thing is finding a car now, I found one in Jersey that I’d like to go pick up but unfortunately I don’t have the $9,000 at the moment. I have amped up the job search as well as my freelancing, I even shot a letter over to friends, clients and family with new “deals” for design. A lot of people I know have websites, and if I can repush the $30 deal, I should have no problem raising some money over time. I just don’t know how much time I have until the car is gone but I’m still going to keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best.

It’s another one of those days where everything that could possibly go wrong…can.

I woke up this morning with the intent of just going to Wal-mart and picking up everything I need for Bella and myself and then just coming home and relaxing for a while until Lost comes on tonight.

About two hours ago Karen called with the test results for Princess, they believe she has Cushings disease but will need to admit her on Monday to run some more tests and figure things out. If she does have it then there’s a 50/50 chance that she’ll live or need to be put down, it depends on how far along she is with the disease. So that was upsetting blow number two today. The first one was the call from the vet stating that Candy’s ashes were ready and we can pick them up when we’re ready to.

A few moments ago while I was contemplating life and hoping to hear something from any job that doesn’t require being a cashier part-time, the phone rang out of no where and it was Karen’s sister who needed Sean to head down to the store and give her a jump because her car died a few moments after she got a phone call from her boyfriend stating that his mother had passed away this morning.

There are only two months out of the year that effect me the most in life. February has always been a bad one for me but the final “bad moment” up until putting Candy down was having my last moments with Joe alive without any outside influence. We’re coming up to the two-year mark of his death and I’m already in a daze about that, so now adding to the fact that there’s a 50/50 chance that Princess will be put down around the same time…my nerves are shot….beyond shot.

I fully understand that the world has it’s way of balancing itself out but why does everything need to happen at once? While Bella is my baby I’ve grown very close to Princess. She’s the ultimate lap dog and I love her as much as anyone could. Candy I adored but since she was so much older than Princess and Bella she really just didn’t want to be bothered so I never had any “bonding” moments with her that were memorable, the only time I’ve ever held her was when we were going to the vet for one of her random bad days that would come out of no where. Princess and I have fallen asleep together lord knows how many times on the couch and I’ve given her more personal-time than I have Candy, and her death upset me but Princess would be like losing my own pet, even though she’s more “everyone’s” dog than Candy was.

Why does everything happen at once? I just don’t get it.

We put Candy to sleep on Tuesday at 4pm. After a bad weekend and a lot of tears Karen came to the decision that Candy would be better off being put to sleep so that she could not suffer anymore. I received a phone call this morning letting us know that her ashes were available to be picked up from the Vets office and when Karen comes home from work for lunch I’ll let her know.

The other day she found an urn online that she truly adores and thankfully I’ve been snapping a lot of pictures lately so Candy’s best shot (which was hard to get, considering her fear of cameras) is now going to be airbrushed onto the urn. The photo can be found after the break.

Minus the death of Candy, things around the house seem to be going OK. Karen was more upset with the decision than the aftermath, but it’s the acceptance of Candy’s death that has made things so calm. Her sister is down here looking for a new house and while both her and her children were sick for a couple of days, everyone seems to be coming around so things haven’t been quite so hectic.

On Tuesday around 12:30 the Comcast guy showed up and setup the new boxes in the office and living room and we now have our new phone number, which I know I have to email to a few people. Sean’s very happy with the HD Box in the office and the living room TV still will barely go past the standard channels that we’ve been watching for years, but it’s good to know that we have them. In regards to the phone - thankfully the bill collectors for Karen haven’t found the new number yet but we’re also restricted from all lists (as of right now) so it’s not really much to be concerned about. However, the change was made the same day we put Candy down so since no one knew the phone number everything in regards to both Candy and Princess (urine test results for on-going kidney infection) have been sent to my cell phone. Princess is about 10 years old so even she’s getting up there in years but now Karen understands how peaceful putting an animal down can be, when it does come time for Princess.

Candy exceeded her life expectancy, for an animal to survive for 16 years is nothing short of amazing and the vet tech that we had there on Tuesday put Karen’s mind at ease in what would be the biggest choice she’d ever have to make in her life. The vet even told her that Candy was lucky to have her because with all of the medical problems Candy has had in the last three years - it’s nothing short of amazing that she survived as long as she did. Who would have thought that with a lot of love and support for a dog with no spleen, shallow breathing, frequent skin infections and an enlarged heart - she could live as long as she did.

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It’s been one of those weeks where everything is just confusing. As of Wednesday, Karen decided that she was going to put Candy down, only because she believed that Candy just wasn’t going to bounce back from what we now know as seizures. On Friday, however, Candy kind of sprung back to life and was then, what seemed to be, back to her old self. Her sister showed up on Friday evening with her kids, all of them are sick right now but she’s determined to buy a house down here and sick or not she needed to be here this week, not only for the house hunting but for Karen as well, Candy’s health is beginning to take it’s toll on everyone.

Last night Candy collapsed and made that horrible noise again. We still don’t know what it is but if you can imagine something that’s a cross between a dog crying, screaming and barking then you can kind of understand what the noise actually was. She shook for a few minutes and then popped up like “What happened?” because she’s completely zoned out during the time it typically happens. Last night she did return to her regular chipper self after she vegged out in the bedroom for a little while. She did eat quite a bit which was the most she’d had in a few days. Hopefully there isn’t another episode today, I don’t know what would happen.

Is it selfish of me to hope that if Candy is going to just go to sleep one night and not wake up that it happens during the week and not on the weekend? The closest emergency vet after 6pm (and on weekends) is over an hour north and by then who knows what could happen to her. During the week there are two vets offices down here where she could be taken care of. But that’s only if whatever is going to …take her life… happens between 8am-6pm on Monday through Friday. I know it seems wrong to think like this but I also know that Candy is literally considered to be Karen’s child. Having to sit in a car with her limp body for over an hour because there’s no one down here to help would not be something I think she could handle.

I honestly don’t know anymore. Things right now are more confusing then they should be, it’s just going to be a crappy week. And at the same time I hope to god I don’t get sick from her sister and her sister’s kids because she’s got bronchitis (which is borderline pneumonia at this point) and one son has a very high fever, the other is coughing up all kinds of goodies. I honestly believe there’s a hospital visit in the works today.